That was fun, Now let's look at my ex's girlfriend's Instagram!!!

I had a great night. Caught up with a wonderful friend and had only a couple drinks......That shouldn't set me off too much right?

WRONG

I get home and down food from the refrigerator then wash my greasy hands off and get on my phone...

no....

First

I turn on the space heater and sit down on the floor next to it.

Then

I get on my phone...At first it was banal, non-offensive behavior....checking notifications, emails....Then I start getting frisky...and not in a sexting sort of way...I mean, playing with myself....And not a masturbatory kind of way....at least not physically.

It starts when I find my way into my 'sound' settings.....And then slowly find my way into my text tones......And then slowly find my way to the one that I used with my ex.

I play it

Ahhhh

It is so nice to hear.  I feel the thrill.  I remember what it was like to hear that tone and to know that the other person on the other side was thinking about me and loved me.  (Or so I thought) I played the tone over and over and over and in my tipsy state I stared at the ceiling just feeling the love and longing for it again. 

This is when I should have stopped but didn't...

I then decide it's a good idea to see if he's still dating this girl.  I thought I had a good chance because he has been acting more "attentive" lately.  Calling and texting more frequently....I open Instagram...I search her name....and.....I asked for it.

She's beautiful...Like SUPER Model Beautiful: Perfect bone structure..........Adorable......... Sweet, funny....... Tiny......charming.....And there he is.....Right beside her......Teasing her, Loving her, being affectionate.

He loves her. Like Really loves her. 

Everything I always wanted from him, but he would never give....

She looks awesome. 

"You won" I think

"You've totally won"

And I did this all to myself.

Tonight would have been awesome. If I just didn't tempt

fate. 

Love (The Addendum)

If you know me, like really know me.

I don’t believe in Love

I believe in “Family Love”

The unconditional variety where you are born into a family, therefore born into circumstances that unify and bind you

But Love, like real Love that happens….develops…is born?

I mean, to tell you the truth, I really don’t understand how it comes into being….Is it manufactured? Whittled? I don’t know

Probably because I don’t believe in it.

I don’t believe in fairy tales. I don’t believe that you can love someone, like a partner, not just a friend.  I believe in loving friendships. But friendships involving love that become or are intimate I have never trusted and never believed in. 

To me Love looked like a façade. “You smile, but I know you’re unhappy behind closed doors.” I’d think.*1

I just always associated loving with pain. Everyone who I ever loved, hurt me and so I didn’t trust it. I always assumed that the other person was just waiting for the opportune moment to go behind my back, sleep with someone else and hurt me. Not that I’ve witnessed this first hand…Although I have.

My mom always used to tell me that if you want to find it, whatever “it” is, you will. If you want to find your boyfriend flirting with someone else you will or if you want to find success in a project you're working on, you can. It works both ways. *2

I don’t believe in Love

 Until Today

*1 Now, I know: yea. I was right, there is unhappiness there. That’s because no one is immune to unhappiness. Unhappiness is always going to exist, co-exist with happiness because if it didn’t we’d live in a delusional state. The difference is that when you are married or when you are in love, you have found your teammate. The person that you pick out of a group of people and say “You! I recognize your amazingness, and the odds of happiness with you in this game, I think, are high” “and you’re hot”  That’s all.

*2 But the point is what are you looking for? Why look for the negative first, why start there? 

Ten to Fifteen Pounds

I bought it....

Hook, Line and Sinker

It wasn't just because of him.

He didn't realize he was enabling thoughts that were planted a long time ago. I already wanted to believe I was fat or "bulky" as he called me, because deep down, it was engrained in me; I've been "dieting" since I was 12. I have always seen my weight as my worth. Only the value system worked opposite; the less I weighed the more I was worth.  I had just got back from a wedding where I ate....Well...Very well. Croquets, empanadas, pizza, cake-pops, vegan burgers, lasagne. And this made me especially vulnerable and available to his message. I sat across from him, looking into his eyes, hearing him tell me what's best for my career, and I was ready. Ready to get what I wanted.

Ready to starve

It's not a foreign language to me. I have done it before. It's easy and everyone gives you so many compliments. It's addictive. Now someone was handing me the excuse simply by reopening a wound "lose 10-15 pounds"

But that's never it, is it? Because once you are there, once you've lost the weight you wanted, there is another 10-15 pounds to go...and then once you get there, you still don't have the boyfriend or the job. I've been there. I'm here now. It's never enough. "But I don't think I can" I defend myself "I'm as skinny as I can get."  But there was a new sense of urgency to it that I had worked so hard to overcome and I was ready to do it if it meant I could achieve the job I've always wanted. 

I thought about it all day. How much work I had to do to achieve it. How far I had to go? I was driving to work and my heart began to race, I had to pull over onto the side of the road. My fingers scattered to type the words into the phone....I didn't even know what I was saying but I trusted something was provoking me...I clicked "Post" and posted it to Facebook. All the sudden I realized I was hyperventilating. It was like an exorcism of some sort. I had the awareness to check my fitbit heart rate and make sure my heart wasn't going to explode. 135. It read. I tried to slow down my breathing. I was sobbing, wailing, I have never heard these sounds coming out of me. I read and re-read what I posted. "No!" it said. It said "NO!!!!!"

I SAID "NO!" 

I didn't have the courage to say it the night before and I feel like a coward...but today the answer is NO!

I can't take it anymore. I deserve to eat and have energy to feel human. What I eat or the size I am will not prevent me from following my heart and achieving my highest professional aspirations. 

I AM ON FIRE, and if the camera can't see that

Why don't I add 10 to 15 pounds?