Magdalene Vick

This sun feels so good

Filtering by Tag: feminism

Ten to Fifteen Pounds

I bought it....

Hook, Line and Sinker

It wasn't just because of him.

He didn't realize he was enabling thoughts that were planted a long time ago. I already wanted to believe I was fat or "bulky" as he called me, because deep down, it was engrained in me; I've been "dieting" since I was 12. I have always seen my weight as my worth. Only the value system worked opposite; the less I weighed the more I was worth.  I had just got back from a wedding where I ate....Well...Very well. Croquets, empanadas, pizza, cake-pops, vegan burgers, lasagne. And this made me especially vulnerable and available to his message. I sat across from him, looking into his eyes, hearing him tell me what's best for my career, and I was ready. Ready to get what I wanted.

Ready to starve

It's not a foreign language to me. I have done it before. It's easy and everyone gives you so many compliments. It's addictive. Now someone was handing me the excuse simply by reopening a wound "lose 10-15 pounds"

But that's never it, is it? Because once you are there, once you've lost the weight you wanted, there is another 10-15 pounds to go...and then once you get there, you still don't have the boyfriend or the job. I've been there. I'm here now. It's never enough. "But I don't think I can" I defend myself "I'm as skinny as I can get."  But there was a new sense of urgency to it that I had worked so hard to overcome and I was ready to do it if it meant I could achieve the job I've always wanted. 

I thought about it all day. How much work I had to do to achieve it. How far I had to go? I was driving to work and my heart began to race, I had to pull over onto the side of the road. My fingers scattered to type the words into the phone....I didn't even know what I was saying but I trusted something was provoking me...I clicked "Post" and posted it to Facebook. All the sudden I realized I was hyperventilating. It was like an exorcism of some sort. I had the awareness to check my fitbit heart rate and make sure my heart wasn't going to explode. 135. It read. I tried to slow down my breathing. I was sobbing, wailing, I have never heard these sounds coming out of me. I read and re-read what I posted. "No!" it said. It said "NO!!!!!"

I SAID "NO!" 

I didn't have the courage to say it the night before and I feel like a coward...but today the answer is NO!

I can't take it anymore. I deserve to eat and have energy to feel human. What I eat or the size I am will not prevent me from following my heart and achieving my highest professional aspirations. 

I AM ON FIRE, and if the camera can't see that

Why don't I add 10 to 15 pounds?

DOCTOR DOCTOR

Jane the Nurse: "You can totally ask the Dr that, that's what she's here for"

Me: "Good, because I am a bit of a hypochondriac and I'm already nervous being here......"

Jane: "Step on the scale please"

I find a chair for my handbag, take off my sweater......and shoes for the lightest possible result ...."whoa"......(uncomfortable laugh)........."wasn't like that this morning...I shouldn't have had lunch so late....I tried to schedule an earlier appointment but she was all booked up..."

Jane looks at the screen and enters the vitals

Me: "Im on a couple medications one is for Birth Control but the other is very controversial.....Some doctors don't like me taking it, but I have to you know? It makes others crazy, but to me....It just makes me normal.  But there is so much judgment and it makes me feel worse right? Like, I should feel comfortable taking my medicine because when I don't, I don't want to take it. But it helps me you know?"

Jane looks at me "Yea, girl I get it. When people don't take their meds they get off their rocker"

I smile....

"I also have some girl stuff going on and I just want to make sure it's all normal you know? (wink wink) I did my research and found the best female doctor in the area. So glad she could see me........Also, been having a little tenderness around my boobs... But I think its because I picked up a really heavy baby the other day.....Or maybe it was the pull up machine at the gym....I'm also on my period so....that would also explain the weight gain..."

Jane: "You'll like her"

Me: "Good because I am a bit of a hypochondriac and I just want to make sure everything is ok"

Jane: "The Doctor will be in shortly"

wait ...wait...wait....wait....wait....wait...(take a selfie)...wait....wait....wait....wait....wait

KNOCK      KNOCK

ENTER YOUNG MALE DOCTOR

Dr. Johnson: "Hi there, I'm Dr. Johnson, Dr. Kaston's apprentice. What brings you in today?"

Me: --------"um"--------"Nothing"------

Dr. Johnson: "Nothing you want to ask? Everything's Ok?"

Me: "Yep....All good...." 

S M I L E

Do Not Tell Me To Smile

I am a realist

If I am not smiling, it's probably for a reason

I'm figuring something out; maybe it's rent, money, family, relationships

It doesn't mean that I am mad or upset

Don't take it personally

We all have ups and downs 

I may be having a tough day/week/month. I'm not asking for pity, but I'm not going to hide it. What's the point? So my ex thinks I live a perfect and magical life where I am never challenged or hurt? I know he's got more life shit going on than I do, so it's redundant

It is life

To think everyone is "having the best day ever" or "nailed every audition" or "always going up" is a lie. Those people are lying

But don't be offended, they aren't just lying to you.  They are lying more to themselves....(yea, thats the sad part)

My smile is valuable.  I need it smiling on the inside, taking care of myself, before it can take care of you.

By not smiling I am doing you a favor

I am telling you "The person in front of you is a thinking, strong woman, making her own decisions and supporting herself. Don't interrupt"

Do you go around asking men to smile? 

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