Magdalene Vick

This sun feels so good

Filtering by Category: Emotional Wellbeing

Impaired watching: or are the Avengers really Spinning in my bedroom?

On Thursday morning as I am doing my naked yoga on the floor I get this weird rolling sensation in my head, and it freaks me the f*#k out.  I try to calm down, though the medicine I’m taking for anxiety also is actually making it worse right now. I call the doctors to set up an appointment as soon as possible. They have an opening in a few hours…So I have to wait….I don’t know about you but having a weird rolling sensation in my head, thinking that I’m going to die, is not conducive to sitting still…I hang up the phone and try to breathe, staring off into the distance, deep inside my head where I think obsessively. But then it occurred to me….I should re-watch The Avengers. I looked at my phone to check the time, and sure enough I had about two and a half hours before my appointment. A distraction, and indeed a perfect distraction it turned out to be. The second time through this movie I noticed there were a number of interestingly homoerotic fight scenes that I didn’t catch before. And these scenes are fairly lengthy: very attractive men fighting each other for a long time….No objections. I can see the appeal. Action packed explosions, and car chases, created an extremely visually stimulating experience. I found it easy to get lost in the spectacle (as my Theatre History teacher would say) and care less about the plot. Before I knew it weird Robot Aliens were descending from the sky in New York, and RDJr was intercepting a nuclear missle, sacrificing himself as he flies out of the Atmosphere with it to presumably blow up the (‘bad people”?) Regardless, he falls back into the atmosphere in  perfect synchronicity with the closing of the wormhole. He lives!

It is fun all seeing these characters come together like this. I’m definitely feeling like an insider now..Oh, and Mark Ruffalo was really terrific! His austere and simple demeanor enhanced the dichotomy between Dr. Bruce Banner vs. The Other Guy, as he’s commonly referred. But he does make some references that because I failed to watch The Incredible Hulk, went over my head….So I guess I need to go back and watch it…..

My doctor’s appointments always make me nervous… and whatever drug I’m on for anxiety isn’t really helping yet. Turns out I have what’s called Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo. Which basically means crystals have broken off in my ear and lie to my brain about my current relationship to gravity. In order to help me not feel motion sickness and this weird creepy electrical sensation I have to bang my head against the bed back and forth 10 times with 30 seconds between each movement. FUUUUUUN. But at least I know what it is. I woke up Friday morning banged my head appropriately, a typical normal morning ritual, and began making breakfast. Today was the day I was going to watch The Incredible Hulk….Yep…I’m still doing this project.  I feel like I gathered more in the Title sequence than the whole movie. It was actually quite impressive.  By the time the movie started I was a little thrown off with the demure behavior of our lead character Bruce Banner aka Ed Norton. On the contrary, Liv Tyler seems very committed to her role and sometimes it almost feels like she is in another whole other movie altogether. A great performance none the less. The common theme of man with superpowers vs. man with manufactured similar super powers comes up again. It definitely stands out in the Marvel Universe in that the whole energy seems less positive and kitschy and more somber and bizarrely tragic. New York never fails to take the biggest beating either in this movie, which I’m understanding to be a prerequisite for this universe. I am having a hard time watching this because of my aforementioned relationship with someone in the cast or crew. Also, I want to be honest but find it hard in this day of social media….so with all due respect, please overlook my lie when I say this movie was really good. 

The Power of Friend(s)

In this day of social media and "friends"...Who are our real friends?

I've lived in LA for 4 Years now...That's it. 4 years. Before that I lived in New York and before that I was in College..About 4 years in each city.. Sometimes I stress out about not knowing who, or where my real friends are. 

So what makes a real friend?

I just finished listening to "This American Life" an incredible episode called "Ask a Grown up" (if you are in to that type of thing, I highly encourage you to listen to it...It's beautifully striking and profound) Anyway I just finished listening to it, and it occurred to me real friend(s) exist for life. But it may not be all 5,000 of them (which Facebook so generously set as the limit of friends we can have on our personal page. We may only need just one...or two...And we can be picky. After all, you will inevitably be spending a lot of energy on this incredible being. 

A Friend should challenge, inspire, listen to you, make you laugh, and love you. And likewise, you have the honor of doing the same for them. 

I think we should rename our Facebook "friends" to whom we kind-of-know and occasionally hang out with as "People I've met Once and Liked and May be a Good Connection." We should reserve and revere the word "Friend" (with a capitol 'F') for those who really know us and despite our biggest, WEIRDEST quirks and insecurities, still stick around.  Those we can call when we have a panic attack and need someone to just be there for us at 4am. Or for the person who just went through a breakup 6 months ago and still can't get out of bed and yet we keep going over to hang out and bring them ice cream and homemade "f*#k him" cards. 

Sometimes the people who happen to be in closest proximity to our daily routine, are not the salt for our Earth....Some of my closest friends are scattered throughout the United States (and abroad). I love them dearly.. And to those few, I will call (Yes call.... like using a phone and the sound of my voice)  on a regular basis to hear about their week no matter how mundane or exciting it is.  Just to hear their voice and let them know how much I really care about them. 

Because after all friendship is love-ship xoxo

Now share this with your real Friend(s) and let them know how much they mean to you!

When you realize it's over

Remember the beginning when a guy is super interested in you

Then after a few months he realizes he has you and suddenly things seem less exciting?

I have been talking to this guy for a year now. In the beginning, it was him texting me pretty often. 

Now 12 months later, It's me texting him. 

You could give me advice that I should let it sit, or put it on a shelf for a while, but then I think back to the excitement in the beginning and I desperately want to recreate that, to bring it back....

But it will never come back. What I have now is the present. It is what it is going to be. It's been a year, if things were going to accelerate then they would have already.

So I sit back....Knowing that if I contacted him he would respond, but trying to be honest with myself....Do I really want a relationship with someone who doesn't really.... Who isn't really excited about me right now?

Probably not

Yet there is something in me that thinks I can make him somehow. Like "If only he could see me more, or hang out with me more he would fall in love with me!" It's hard to let things rest when you want them so bad. Especially on holidays like Valentines.  My M.O. is that I can more or less push things to happen, and that's just not realistic. Realistically it's the exact opposite, if I sit back and let things unfold, he will probably love me more. 

But that is hard to do.

That requires the kind of confidence where you know how incredible you are without having to prove it. I don't know if i have that yet. I don't know many people that do. 

But one of the many problems with my thinking here is the fact that if I let it go, in the moment of stillness, thinking it is the end...or that it's over. That's so silly. When is it ever over except when it is morbidly over....

Nothing is Permanent