LOSING MY VOICE

How F*#king Profound.

I LOST MY VOICE

I have no opinions, no thoughts on the matter. I don't care who wins the election. I diet in the spring, binge in the winter, diet again. Go to see the Blockbusters, wait for indies to get on Netflix. I Say I've watched "Game of Thrones" but avoid talking about the details, I listen to top 40, and get trunk on the weekends. Taco Tuesday is a real thing, so is Throwback Thursday and Flashback Friday. I always wear makeup and dress-up to leave the house. I'd rather watch reality TV, than go out a live it and I eat organic or vegan if that's what you're doing.  

No

But really, I lost my voice.  Like when I try to speak it's worse than Wheezy from Toy Story. 

To someone like me this is a profound thing. I don't know how to be quiet, to only listen and not interject some opinion or thought..

Not talking for a day? WHAT?! No way....

No way...not going to happen

But I have very little choice in the matter

My best friend is getting married and I am honored to go with her to her dress fitting. At first I overdo it, I dramatically point and gesture with loud, open arms how stunning she looks. Then I resign from the caricature of myself and all I can do is smile. My best friend, who means more to me than anything is in front of me literally looking like the most beautiful thing in the entire world and all I can do is smile. And that's enough. She doesn't need me to show or tell her how stunning she is.  Her beauty and happiness reflects on me and speaks for itself. 

Later that day I catch up with a friend. A friend I haven't seen in a long time because we had a disagreement...It's a friendship I cherish and have missed. I must chose my words wisely....Bring up pain from the past? F*#k no. I want to hear about the beauty and success in their life. I want to root for them and tell them I love them.  I cut all the crap and beneath all of it chose only the love.  See that's the beauty of losing your voice...

You end up FINDING it

Driving in Circles....On Purpose

Driving calms me down, feels like I am doing something without really doing anything

Recently, I was leaving set and I didn't want to go home

I just didn't want to go home

So I kept driving...

I didn't know where I was going, but I didn't want to face my normal life

All the sudden I was hungry...I wasn't REALLY hungry but I was "hungry." I started imagining all the fast food I could scarf down, devour and hate myself for the next day. I wanted it bad.

Question was: Was it going to be Chinese or Mexican?

Then, knowing I had a shoot coming up, I started reprimanding myself thinking "Well I don't have to eat it all....I could just have a little" I started getting frustrated and more unsettled. Still driving...Still no where to go, I turn right and suddenly "This is familiar," I think "I feel like I JUST saw this...." That's because I literally DID just see it. I had driven in a circle.  I turn and as if my mind were making choices for me, I found myself driving in a certain direction and although I had no idea WHERE I was going......I knew where I was going.....And it wasn't someplace that brought me joy and happiness. I was driving toward the diner where my ex and I had gone regularly...

Did I think he would be there?

Well there's always a chance. It is close to his home.

Adrenaline spikes through my veins, my heartbeat speeds up. Memories and sadness congest my chest. It's a rush. I write a text to him, and delete it. I get up the courage again and write another text (more basic, less vulnerable)...then delete it again...It is not a good idea.

I drove by the diner, I did not stop to look for him, or get out of my car. I just drove by and got my emotional fix.

I either wanted to stuff myself with food to the point of physical pain......... or I wanted to experience pain by revisiting the past

I decided I wanted food after-all...Mexican...So I picked up some Mexican food on my way home and ate it in my car...My head cleared up...The fog lifted. I realized I was actually hungry, and I really needed that food. I ate what I needed and stopped.  I didn't hate myself. And then it occurred to me: I needed to feel sad too, and revisit my past. I felt what I needed and stopped.

Sometimes we need to eat bad food and be sad about past relationships...

And there is nothing wrong with that

But it is a choice and once you are full again, you can stop driving in circles and just keep going forward.