Driving in Circles....On Purpose
Driving calms me down, feels like I am doing something without really doing anything
Recently, I was leaving set and I didn't want to go home
I just didn't want to go home
So I kept driving...
I didn't know where I was going, but I didn't want to face my normal life
All the sudden I was hungry...I wasn't REALLY hungry but I was "hungry." I started imagining all the fast food I could scarf down, devour and hate myself for the next day. I wanted it bad.
Question was: Was it going to be Chinese or Mexican?
Then, knowing I had a shoot coming up, I started reprimanding myself thinking "Well I don't have to eat it all....I could just have a little" I started getting frustrated and more unsettled. Still driving...Still no where to go, I turn right and suddenly "This is familiar," I think "I feel like I JUST saw this...." That's because I literally DID just see it. I had driven in a circle. I turn and as if my mind were making choices for me, I found myself driving in a certain direction and although I had no idea WHERE I was going......I knew where I was going.....And it wasn't someplace that brought me joy and happiness. I was driving toward the diner where my ex and I had gone regularly...
Did I think he would be there?
Well there's always a chance. It is close to his home.
Adrenaline spikes through my veins, my heartbeat speeds up. Memories and sadness congest my chest. It's a rush. I write a text to him, and delete it. I get up the courage again and write another text (more basic, less vulnerable)...then delete it again...It is not a good idea.
I drove by the diner, I did not stop to look for him, or get out of my car. I just drove by and got my emotional fix.
I either wanted to stuff myself with food to the point of physical pain......... or I wanted to experience pain by revisiting the past
I decided I wanted food after-all...Mexican...So I picked up some Mexican food on my way home and ate it in my car...My head cleared up...The fog lifted. I realized I was actually hungry, and I really needed that food. I ate what I needed and stopped. I didn't hate myself. And then it occurred to me: I needed to feel sad too, and revisit my past. I felt what I needed and stopped.
Sometimes we need to eat bad food and be sad about past relationships...
And there is nothing wrong with that
But it is a choice and once you are full again, you can stop driving in circles and just keep going forward.