Magdalene Vick

This sun feels so good

Driving in Circles....On Purpose

Driving calms me down, feels like I am doing something without really doing anything

Recently, I was leaving set and I didn't want to go home

I just didn't want to go home

So I kept driving...

I didn't know where I was going, but I didn't want to face my normal life

All the sudden I was hungry...I wasn't REALLY hungry but I was "hungry." I started imagining all the fast food I could scarf down, devour and hate myself for the next day. I wanted it bad.

Question was: Was it going to be Chinese or Mexican?

Then, knowing I had a shoot coming up, I started reprimanding myself thinking "Well I don't have to eat it all....I could just have a little" I started getting frustrated and more unsettled. Still driving...Still no where to go, I turn right and suddenly "This is familiar," I think "I feel like I JUST saw this...." That's because I literally DID just see it. I had driven in a circle.  I turn and as if my mind were making choices for me, I found myself driving in a certain direction and although I had no idea WHERE I was going......I knew where I was going.....And it wasn't someplace that brought me joy and happiness. I was driving toward the diner where my ex and I had gone regularly...

Did I think he would be there?

Well there's always a chance. It is close to his home.

Adrenaline spikes through my veins, my heartbeat speeds up. Memories and sadness congest my chest. It's a rush. I write a text to him, and delete it. I get up the courage again and write another text (more basic, less vulnerable)...then delete it again...It is not a good idea.

I drove by the diner, I did not stop to look for him, or get out of my car. I just drove by and got my emotional fix.

I either wanted to stuff myself with food to the point of physical pain......... or I wanted to experience pain by revisiting the past

I decided I wanted food after-all...Mexican...So I picked up some Mexican food on my way home and ate it in my car...My head cleared up...The fog lifted. I realized I was actually hungry, and I really needed that food. I ate what I needed and stopped.  I didn't hate myself. And then it occurred to me: I needed to feel sad too, and revisit my past. I felt what I needed and stopped.

Sometimes we need to eat bad food and be sad about past relationships...

And there is nothing wrong with that

But it is a choice and once you are full again, you can stop driving in circles and just keep going forward.