I bought it....
Hook, Line and Sinker
It wasn't just because of him.
He didn't realize he was enabling thoughts that were planted a long time ago. I already wanted to believe I was fat or "bulky" as he called me, because deep down, it was engrained in me; I've been "dieting" since I was 12. I have always seen my weight as my worth. Only the value system worked opposite; the less I weighed the more I was worth. I had just got back from a wedding where I ate....Well...Very well. Croquets, empanadas, pizza, cake-pops, vegan burgers, lasagne. And this made me especially vulnerable and available to his message. I sat across from him, looking into his eyes, hearing him tell me what's best for my career, and I was ready. Ready to get what I wanted.
Ready to starve
It's not a foreign language to me. I have done it before. It's easy and everyone gives you so many compliments. It's addictive. Now someone was handing me the excuse simply by reopening a wound "lose 10-15 pounds"
But that's never it, is it? Because once you are there, once you've lost the weight you wanted, there is another 10-15 pounds to go...and then once you get there, you still don't have the boyfriend or the job. I've been there. I'm here now. It's never enough. "But I don't think I can" I defend myself "I'm as skinny as I can get." But there was a new sense of urgency to it that I had worked so hard to overcome and I was ready to do it if it meant I could achieve the job I've always wanted.
I thought about it all day. How much work I had to do to achieve it. How far I had to go? I was driving to work and my heart began to race, I had to pull over onto the side of the road. My fingers scattered to type the words into the phone....I didn't even know what I was saying but I trusted something was provoking me...I clicked "Post" and posted it to Facebook. All the sudden I realized I was hyperventilating. It was like an exorcism of some sort. I had the awareness to check my fitbit heart rate and make sure my heart wasn't going to explode. 135. It read. I tried to slow down my breathing. I was sobbing, wailing, I have never heard these sounds coming out of me. I read and re-read what I posted. "No!" it said. It said "NO!!!!!"
I SAID "NO!"
I didn't have the courage to say it the night before and I feel like a coward...but today the answer is NO!
I can't take it anymore. I deserve to eat and have energy to feel human. What I eat or the size I am will not prevent me from following my heart and achieving my highest professional aspirations.
I AM ON FIRE, and if the camera can't see that
Why don't I add 10 to 15 pounds?