Magdalene Vick

This sun feels so good

Filtering by Tag: emotionaleating

Ten to Fifteen Pounds

I bought it....

Hook, Line and Sinker

It wasn't just because of him.

He didn't realize he was enabling thoughts that were planted a long time ago. I already wanted to believe I was fat or "bulky" as he called me, because deep down, it was engrained in me; I've been "dieting" since I was 12. I have always seen my weight as my worth. Only the value system worked opposite; the less I weighed the more I was worth.  I had just got back from a wedding where I ate....Well...Very well. Croquets, empanadas, pizza, cake-pops, vegan burgers, lasagne. And this made me especially vulnerable and available to his message. I sat across from him, looking into his eyes, hearing him tell me what's best for my career, and I was ready. Ready to get what I wanted.

Ready to starve

It's not a foreign language to me. I have done it before. It's easy and everyone gives you so many compliments. It's addictive. Now someone was handing me the excuse simply by reopening a wound "lose 10-15 pounds"

But that's never it, is it? Because once you are there, once you've lost the weight you wanted, there is another 10-15 pounds to go...and then once you get there, you still don't have the boyfriend or the job. I've been there. I'm here now. It's never enough. "But I don't think I can" I defend myself "I'm as skinny as I can get."  But there was a new sense of urgency to it that I had worked so hard to overcome and I was ready to do it if it meant I could achieve the job I've always wanted. 

I thought about it all day. How much work I had to do to achieve it. How far I had to go? I was driving to work and my heart began to race, I had to pull over onto the side of the road. My fingers scattered to type the words into the phone....I didn't even know what I was saying but I trusted something was provoking me...I clicked "Post" and posted it to Facebook. All the sudden I realized I was hyperventilating. It was like an exorcism of some sort. I had the awareness to check my fitbit heart rate and make sure my heart wasn't going to explode. 135. It read. I tried to slow down my breathing. I was sobbing, wailing, I have never heard these sounds coming out of me. I read and re-read what I posted. "No!" it said. It said "NO!!!!!"


I didn't have the courage to say it the night before and I feel like a coward...but today the answer is NO!

I can't take it anymore. I deserve to eat and have energy to feel human. What I eat or the size I am will not prevent me from following my heart and achieving my highest professional aspirations. 

I AM ON FIRE, and if the camera can't see that

Why don't I add 10 to 15 pounds?

Driving in Circles....On Purpose

Driving calms me down, feels like I am doing something without really doing anything

Recently, I was leaving set and I didn't want to go home

I just didn't want to go home

So I kept driving...

I didn't know where I was going, but I didn't want to face my normal life

All the sudden I was hungry...I wasn't REALLY hungry but I was "hungry." I started imagining all the fast food I could scarf down, devour and hate myself for the next day. I wanted it bad.

Question was: Was it going to be Chinese or Mexican?

Then, knowing I had a shoot coming up, I started reprimanding myself thinking "Well I don't have to eat it all....I could just have a little" I started getting frustrated and more unsettled. Still driving...Still no where to go, I turn right and suddenly "This is familiar," I think "I feel like I JUST saw this...." That's because I literally DID just see it. I had driven in a circle.  I turn and as if my mind were making choices for me, I found myself driving in a certain direction and although I had no idea WHERE I was going......I knew where I was going.....And it wasn't someplace that brought me joy and happiness. I was driving toward the diner where my ex and I had gone regularly...

Did I think he would be there?

Well there's always a chance. It is close to his home.

Adrenaline spikes through my veins, my heartbeat speeds up. Memories and sadness congest my chest. It's a rush. I write a text to him, and delete it. I get up the courage again and write another text (more basic, less vulnerable)...then delete it again...It is not a good idea.

I drove by the diner, I did not stop to look for him, or get out of my car. I just drove by and got my emotional fix.

I either wanted to stuff myself with food to the point of physical pain......... or I wanted to experience pain by revisiting the past

I decided I wanted food after-all...Mexican...So I picked up some Mexican food on my way home and ate it in my car...My head cleared up...The fog lifted. I realized I was actually hungry, and I really needed that food. I ate what I needed and stopped.  I didn't hate myself. And then it occurred to me: I needed to feel sad too, and revisit my past. I felt what I needed and stopped.

Sometimes we need to eat bad food and be sad about past relationships...

And there is nothing wrong with that

But it is a choice and once you are full again, you can stop driving in circles and just keep going forward.