DOCTOR DOCTOR

Jane the Nurse: "You can totally ask the Dr that, that's what she's here for"

Me: "Good, because I am a bit of a hypochondriac and I'm already nervous being here......"

Jane: "Step on the scale please"

I find a chair for my handbag, take off my sweater......and shoes for the lightest possible result ...."whoa"......(uncomfortable laugh)........."wasn't like that this morning...I shouldn't have had lunch so late....I tried to schedule an earlier appointment but she was all booked up..."

Jane looks at the screen and enters the vitals

Me: "Im on a couple medications one is for Birth Control but the other is very controversial.....Some doctors don't like me taking it, but I have to you know? It makes others crazy, but to me....It just makes me normal.  But there is so much judgment and it makes me feel worse right? Like, I should feel comfortable taking my medicine because when I don't, I don't want to take it. But it helps me you know?"

Jane looks at me "Yea, girl I get it. When people don't take their meds they get off their rocker"

I smile....

"I also have some girl stuff going on and I just want to make sure it's all normal you know? (wink wink) I did my research and found the best female doctor in the area. So glad she could see me........Also, been having a little tenderness around my boobs... But I think its because I picked up a really heavy baby the other day.....Or maybe it was the pull up machine at the gym....I'm also on my period so....that would also explain the weight gain..."

Jane: "You'll like her"

Me: "Good because I am a bit of a hypochondriac and I just want to make sure everything is ok"

Jane: "The Doctor will be in shortly"

wait ...wait...wait....wait....wait....wait...(take a selfie)...wait....wait....wait....wait....wait

KNOCK      KNOCK

ENTER YOUNG MALE DOCTOR

Dr. Johnson: "Hi there, I'm Dr. Johnson, Dr. Kaston's apprentice. What brings you in today?"

Me: --------"um"--------"Nothing"------

Dr. Johnson: "Nothing you want to ask? Everything's Ok?"

Me: "Yep....All good...." 

WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS....

"You're beautiful, I hope you know that"

But I didn't because we were in the therapist's waiting room and I thought you'd think I was being condescending or insincere 

 

"Could you Be quiet please?"

But I didn't because we haven't formally met and I didn't want your first impression of me to be that B next door

"have we met?"

But I didn't because I'm pretty sure we have and I didn't want you to think I'd forgotten you

 

"Congratulations! You're doing such amazing things!"

But I didn't because I haven't talked with you in years and I didn't want you to think I was only your friend when you succeeded

"I really enjoyed your company though, I wish we could be friends"

But I didn't because I knew that wasn't what you wanted

"You forgot my number?"

But I didn't because I knew you said that to get back at me

 

"You're the coolest woman here"

But I didn't because you were talking over the presenter and I didn't want to upset people more

"Why are you going so slow?"

I was in the other car and you couldn't hear me

"That hug meant so much to me"

But I didn't because I didn't want you to know how vulnerable I really was

 

"Are you interested in really getting to know me....ever?" 

but I didn't because I was afraid that'd scare you off

Being honest and vulnerable in the moment is not always easy

 

I will tell you next time 

Even GUTS Lie

I met a guy and the chemistry was 

RIDICULOUS

Like stupid

I didn't get it. We met on set (yea yea deductive reasoning figure it out) 

Anyway, the point is. We couldn't stop giggling, making jokes, and learning about each other. 

It felt cosmic

He wasn't really my type; He was my height, and not double my age....

So based off the successes of my previous failed relationships with said "type" I thought this was the Universe sending me a sign to not f*#k it up

He took me on two dreamy dates: biking to dinner, then camping out under the stars to watch the Perseid meteor shower. (i know stupid right?!)

I was hesitant at first, then proudly told my therapist: "I think I need to try this"

After being a serial non-realationship-ist, maybe I should give this one a try (Since it was so obviously my decision)

Then

I didn't hear from him....Texts soon revealed an "oh heeeeey" but "not interested" level of enthusiasm

MIND BLOWN

............How did I miss this?

How could something that felt real not be?

But remember that chemistry read from my blog about "demons in my head"? It was DOPE!!! "Thank you Magdalene, it was incredible what you did, especially when you made 'x actor' go to that place." 

And the same thing happened....

Crickets

So I guess the lesson I learned was to trust your gut when you're going into a dark alley, but really that's about it

You can never really know what others are going to do, or how they feel

All you can do is trust that you're a good person, doing what you think is right

But really.... Wtf?!