Even GUTS Lie

I met a guy and the chemistry was 

RIDICULOUS

Like stupid

I didn't get it. We met on set (yea yea deductive reasoning figure it out) 

Anyway, the point is. We couldn't stop giggling, making jokes, and learning about each other. 

It felt cosmic

He wasn't really my type; He was my height, and not double my age....

So based off the successes of my previous failed relationships with said "type" I thought this was the Universe sending me a sign to not f*#k it up

He took me on two dreamy dates: biking to dinner, then camping out under the stars to watch the Perseid meteor shower. (i know stupid right?!)

I was hesitant at first, then proudly told my therapist: "I think I need to try this"

After being a serial non-realationship-ist, maybe I should give this one a try (Since it was so obviously my decision)

Then

I didn't hear from him....Texts soon revealed an "oh heeeeey" but "not interested" level of enthusiasm

MIND BLOWN

............How did I miss this?

How could something that felt real not be?

But remember that chemistry read from my blog about "demons in my head"? It was DOPE!!! "Thank you Magdalene, it was incredible what you did, especially when you made 'x actor' go to that place." 

And the same thing happened....

Crickets

So I guess the lesson I learned was to trust your gut when you're going into a dark alley, but really that's about it

You can never really know what others are going to do, or how they feel

All you can do is trust that you're a good person, doing what you think is right

But really.... Wtf?!

Hiding Under Pillows

You ask anyone who knew me as a child

My favorite thing to do besides kicking a ball back and forth

was hiding

Burying myself deep underneath the safety of pillows 

It was safe there, no one could see me

Freedom from judgement, responsibility 

Now that I am an adult, hiding has become much different. I can't really hide under pillows all day

Because of my career I can't really hide at all; blogs, snapchat, instagram, facebook, moment to moment you know exactly what I am doing

I hide in books now, I go from sitting on a couch or my bed to immediately walking down the subway in NYC or taking a train through a rural landscape in London

All in my imagination 

Keep Reading

We are writing the story of our lives in Social Media anyway

It's all a story

Nothing is wrong with taking a moment to get lost in someone else's story

Just be cognizant you are getting lost in = someone else's story

And then make your own.

S M I L E

Do Not Tell Me To Smile

I am a realist

If I am not smiling, it's probably for a reason

I'm figuring something out; maybe it's rent, money, family, relationships

It doesn't mean that I am mad or upset

Don't take it personally

We all have ups and downs 

I may be having a tough day/week/month. I'm not asking for pity, but I'm not going to hide it. What's the point? So my ex thinks I live a perfect and magical life where I am never challenged or hurt? I know he's got more life shit going on than I do, so it's redundant

It is life

To think everyone is "having the best day ever" or "nailed every audition" or "always going up" is a lie. Those people are lying

But don't be offended, they aren't just lying to you.  They are lying more to themselves....(yea, thats the sad part)

My smile is valuable.  I need it smiling on the inside, taking care of myself, before it can take care of you.

By not smiling I am doing you a favor

I am telling you "The person in front of you is a thinking, strong woman, making her own decisions and supporting herself. Don't interrupt"

Do you go around asking men to smile? 

Gotcha