* NOTE TO SELF *

It is November 15, 2015 and I am taking a bath 

Its 8:43 I got off of work early

um

Im stressed out a little bit

I had a thought

It always makes me really upset 

Was that

We think we have a person we call when we need something, when we want to be happy

Like everytime I call them

I want them to lift me up, to give me reasons to be happy

And I often find that

Sometimes when I do call

I am disappointed

I leave these empty spaces

Empty spaces of conversation that I just expect them to fill with the solutions to my problems

And I keep leaving them throughout the conversation

In hopes that they will say something that really makes me happy

Now, as I am growing up 

I am learning that

That is not a...

Expectation that I can have anymore

That

The only person that really is responsible for my energy and lifting me up

Is myself

Isn't that funny?

It's like 

Another responsibility.

Sometimes I feel like I can handle it

And then other times I feel like...

When will it stop...

When will all of this STOP?

Will it ever be easier?

Will anyone ever help me?

I dont want to be the victim

I am working on my mentality

So I suck it up

And

Trust that I can get myself into an energized zone 

But again

I cannot rely on 

Anyone but myself

For 

Energy

And 

Optimism

and

To make myself feel better. 

<3 TALKING TO MYSELF Aug 25, 2016